Remind Me Who I Really Am
by Ialwaysshipthedoomedones
Summary: "..'My darling Liam' is how her letter begins and it ends in much the same way."


_Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse but I know I'll see your face again. _

He's there with her, holding her hand in the waiting room. He holds her hand tightly in his own, bringing up to his lips and kissing it softly. Liam whispers words of comfort, stroking her dainty cheeks with the soft pads of his thumbs. He goes inside with her and pulls the chair over so they're barely inches apart. He remembers how Carla hates the smell of disinfectants as he watches the way her nose crinkles in disgust. Their fingers are still intertwined as her consultant talks to them, addressing them with a sad, pitying smile. Liam feels his heart sink.

..

It's 3am in the morning, her body is frail and tired. Each day it takes more from her, it eats away at her from the inside out. Liam holds back her hair while she empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Violent sobs escape her fragile body and he rubs delicate circles along her back. His eyes close as she collapses against his body. He notices how cold she is and the way she shivers against him. Within seconds he has his wife tucked up in bed once more, the blankets wrapped tightly around her. They are almost both asleep until the shuffling of little feet is heard outside the door. Their daughter stands at the foot of their bed, blanket in hand and eyes tired and full of sleep. Liam moves to bring her into bed but Carla stands up first, her weak body shuffles over to her daughter and embraces her in a swift cuddle. Ava leans her head against her mummy's shoulder, sucking her thumb for comfort. Together they climb into the bed and Carla falls asleep next to her daughter, with Liam's arm protectively draped over them.

..

Carla tells him she doesn't need him to be there but he can see in her eyes she is lying. He tells her that he won't leave her side, knowing how hard this will be. He aids her to the car and leans across to buckle her seat belt. Liam then swiftly picks up her daughter, placing her gently into her car seat and handing her a cup of juice. The drive to London seems longer than usual, Carla falls asleep instantly, her body already exhausted. Liam starts to worry they are fighting a battle with only one outcome. When they arrive a barricade of hugs are thrown their way and they are shown inside. Carla rocks Ava on her knee, unable to look her sister in Law in the eye whilst she speaks. Liam senses her struggle and brings his lips to her temple and leaves her a lingering kiss. When he tears his eyes away from his wife, his tears already brimming in his eyes he turns to his sister "Carla's got Cancer 'Chelle"

..

Liam listens as Carla reels off a list of things that need to be prepared. She sits on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around herself and a steaming hot coffee in her hands. She watches with a heavy heart as Liam decorates the living room. He fills balloons and hangs up banners whilst all she can do is watch from afar. Always from afar. Guests start to arrive and Michelle is the first to embrace her sister in law and best friend, she tries to ignore the way Carla's body is almost half the size it should be and her hair is thin and wispy. Ava toddles in soon after, followed by Liam's parent's. She rushes straight over to her mum who picks her up and whispers softly into her ear "Happy birthday little one"

..

She sits on the chair in front of her dressing table and watches as Liam sleeps. He usually wakes when she leaves the bed but Carla assumes he must be sleeping pretty deep tonight. She turns her body silently back to face the desk and begins to write, her gold pen shines and sparkles almost radiantly and Carla think it seems wrong and unfair. 'My darling Liam' is how her letter begins and it ends in much the same way.

..

He's dressed all in black, except his crisp white shirt. He wears a tie in her honor and it breaks his heart to think she will never get to see it. She used to tell him long ago that a man in a suit was always her thing. Ava's dress creases against Liam's body as his tears cascade down his face and he rocks her to and fro. More for his comfort than hers. Paul stands to one side of him and Michelle just to the other, she cries just as heavily as him for the best friend she has ever known. They throw flowers into the hole in the ground and it pains them all. "Daddy, Mummy coming home?" Ava whispers and Liam thinks he could jump right in Carla's grave beside her.

..

He finds her letter days after her funeral and he thinks it'll be the death of him. Her handwriting is perfect but her tear stains are scattered along the paper. It talks about the memories and how much he meant to her. What breaks his heart the most is how she apologizes again and again for being such a burden over the last year but he knows he'd do it all again just to feel her in his arms. The last few lines talk about their daughter and begs him not to let her forget her mum. He sobs and cries and promises a thousand times to talk about her everyday.

..

Two years later and it is Ava's 5th birthday. When he looks into her eyes it's like seeing Carla all over again, they sparkle an emerald green colour and she has an aura that you just cannot ignore. Liam knows it's time so he sits his daughter down and flicks on the TV. He presses play on the DVD player and watches intently as his wife's face appears on the screen. She looks tired and ill but at least she had been alive and he could hold her. She talks directly to her daughter, she talks about school and all the friends she will make. She tells her she is so sorry she couldn't be with her everyday but if she looks up at the sky that's exactly where she'll be. Ava climbs on to her Daddy's lap and cuddles close to him, her eyes never leaving the screen."Mummy loves you baby, always and forever" is how the message ends.


End file.
